the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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