Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
