My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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