I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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