Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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