Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
