I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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