She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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