I puked a lego.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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