My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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