i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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