theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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