It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
