I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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