I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
