took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
