I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
