Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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