So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
