Even the bartender felt bad for me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.