i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
