my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
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I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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