idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
