I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
