Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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