Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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