I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
