Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
