O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
