I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
