I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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