We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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