I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
