i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
