peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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