I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
