did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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