it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
