her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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