I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
