No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Randomize
