Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
