i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
