I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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