Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
