I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
