Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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