For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
