My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge๐ค
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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