"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
