Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
