every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
a search helicopter?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
