So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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